


Guilt Tastes Like Metal

by supernovainparadise



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Episode: s05e22 The Internet Is Forever, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Pre-Relationship, Protective Aaron Hotchner, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernovainparadise/pseuds/supernovainparadise
Summary: A case involving the live streaming of graphic murders in Boise, Idaho brings back unpleasant memories of a cabin in Georgia and a particularly unforgettable unsub, and Hotch struggles to express the grief he still feels over the incident and everything after.Spencer reminds him it wasn't his fault.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 2
Kudos: 97





	Guilt Tastes Like Metal

The jet was dark, the lights off, and the hum of the engine made an excellent backdrop for Aaron Hotchner to fall asleep to, for the entire team to fall asleep to. And yet, not a single person was asleep. Everyone was wide awake; JJ was flipping through files, Emily reading a book, Rossi staring out the window, and Morgan was talking to Reid in hushed tones.

Reid had spoken to everyone on the jet so far, everyone but Hotch. In fact, he was pretty certain he'd even called Garcia. And while a normal man might sit there and guess why, Aaron knew immediately what was up. So it was no surprise when, a few minutes later, Spencer took the seat next to him. Both men were silent for a long moment before Spencer asked in a hushed voice, "are you okay?"

Hotch sighs and closes his eyes, listening to the relative silence of the jet before saying, "I've certainly been better. What about you, are you..." _alright? Fine? Panicked?_ There are a million words that could end that sentence, and he's certain the young(ish) agent sitting next to him could tell him the exact number.

Instead, Reid gives him that crooked smile of his and says, "surprisingly, I'm doing okay. In fact, I think everyone but me is more shaken up by all this." Reid makes a face, then quickly jumps to correct himself, "not to say I'm trying to trivialize what happened to the victims! That was awful and should never happen to anyone and-"

"I know what you meant, Reid."

They're both silent for a long moment before Spencer, unsurprisingly, breaks the silence again. "I think it's because I was on the other side of the screen. I may have lived it, but I had no idea what it looked like to watch it happen, so none of those memories were brought back for me. Not like it was for most of the team." Reid goes quiet for a moment before sighing. "I think it shook them all up again; Emily keeps giving me this... pitying look, just a super sad expression. And Penelope..." Reid runs a face over his hand, "she saw everything before and after. I can't even begin to imagine how this has affected her." Reid shifts in his seat before looking fully at Aaron, who turns to look him in the eyes. "And then there's you. Hotch, I... I know you took all that more personally than the rest of the team."

Hotch let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding; he didn't know how long he'd been holding it. "I'm..." he wants to say fine. He wants to tell Reid it isn't a big deal, but he can't force the words out of his mouth, and before he knows it he's sobbing into Reid's shoulder.

The younger agent merely murmurs, "it wasn't your fault" over and over again, and the rest of the team turns away, acting like they don't notice, trying to give them a moment. Reid's hand cards gently through his hair, and his other hand settles softly on Hotch's back and Spencer is real, and alive and warm and here and he isn't going anywhere but he could have and it's all Aaron's fault, it's all-

"It's not. The only one to blame for all that is dead and gone now, and it was you who saved me. You saved me from that dark, dark place, Aaron..." Spencer murmurs.

"I didn't do enough," Hotch gasps, fingers clenching into Spencer's sweater. "I should have done more afterward, should have said something, gotten you help..."

"It wasn't just you. You knew if you did too much it would cost me my job, and possibly yours as well. I don't blame you, or Gideon, or Garcia, or anyone else. Hell, I don't even really blame Hankel, even though he's the one person at fault," Spencer says dryly, and Aaron chokes out something like a laugh before pulling back and swiping his hand across his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Spencer, I shouldn't have unloaded all that on you," Aaron whispers, but Spencer merely gives him a sad little smile.

"I'm happy to offer comfort where you need it, Aaron," Spencer murmurs back, and Aaron smiles.

Spencer stands to go, but Aaron reaches over and gently grabs his hand. "Stay a little longer?"

Spencer merely smiles and sits back down, this time curling himself into Aaron's side. For the moment, they forget that they're FBI agents, Hotch forgets that Spencer's his subordinate forgets where they are, and pretends that this isn't forbidden, that all the rules that prevent those feelings bubbling deep in Aaron's chest from making themselves apparent don't' exist, and wraps his arm tight around Spencer, pulling him in that much closer.


End file.
